Winter Blogfest: Christmas Letters You’d Love to Get (But Never Will) by Marilee Brothers

This post is part of Long and Short Reviews Winter Blogfest. Leave a comment or ask the author a question for a chance to win the choice of a $10 iTunes gift card or a signed copy of one of the author’s previously published books (US only) – if international, the prize will be a $10 Amazon gift card.

Christmas Letters You’d Love to Get (But Never Will)
I have nothing against Christmas newsletters. In fact, I love getting updates from old and new friends. That said, I always receive at least one so off the charts, I want to dash off a quick note and say, “Are you kidding me! We all know life is not perfect. Children are not perfect. Families are not perfect. So, please, tell it like it is and, by the way, welcome to the human race.” I wrote the following in reaction to one of the aforementioned Christmas letters. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

redneck%20christmasMerry Xmas from the Squatleys!

What a year we’ve had! Our oldest boy, Joey—can you believe he’s fourteen already—gets a two-week Christmas furlough from juvie lockup. In case you don’t remember all the details, here’s a quote from his scrapbook, “Arrest of Local Youth Puts Stop to Crime Wave.” We’re all pleased as punch he’s coming home. That five-finger discount really helps with the “Christmas shopping!” (Just kidding, ha, ha.)

Our oldest girl, Florentine, received quite an honor. She was voted the most responsible sexually active girl in the junior class. Florry always has a case of condoms tucked under the seat of her Chevy Luv. Looks like all those mother/daughter chats paid off. Dr. Phil’s right. You gotta spend time with your kids! All this, plus her 2.1 GPA has us all swelled up with pride.

Speaking of safe sex, after the birth of the triplets, Lloyd and I decided “six is enough.” Lloyd’s not too keen on getting snipped so it looks like I’m elected. I hope like hell it’s not too late. Me and Lloyd had one of our “special” evenings a while back. When Lloyd walks in with a twelve pack of Bud and splashes on the Old Spice, I know I’m in for a good time. Anyhow, the cotton ponies are still waiting to be saddled up, if you get my drift.

As for the triplets, we’re still trying to get them potty-trained. They’ll be going to kindergarten next fall and I keep telling Lloyd, “We’ve been knee-deep in crap around her long enough and they just don’t make diapers that big!” Problem is I can’t tell the little suckers apart. I think we’ve been taking the same kid to the potty over and over! I knew it was a mistake to cut off those hospital ID bracelets.

I saved the best for last. Remember our 15-year-old Harriet? Well, thanks to one of them doctor shows on TV, Harriet is now Harold! That’s right, an all expenses paid sex change and a trip to New York City! Harriet (I mean Harold) says he can always change back if it don’t work out. Betcha can’t top that one!

Well, that’s all the news from the Squatleys. Hope you have a hell of a Christmas and rockin’ New Year.

perf5.000x8.000.inddLie to a soul seeker, live to regret it.

About the Author:Marilee Brothers is a former teacher, coach, counselor and the author of nine books. Marilee and her husband are the parents of three grown sons and live in central Washington State. After writing six young adult books, Marilee is once again writing romantic suspense for the adult market. She loves hearing from people who have read her books. Feel free to contact her at http://www.marileebrothers.com and sign up for her newsletter The Obsessive Page Turner. Her author page on Facebook is: www.facebook.com/marilee.author and she occasionally tweets @MarileeB. Check out Marilee’s Amazon page. Marilee’s blog is Book Blather, where she features aspiring and published authors as well as some tidbits of her own.

Comments

  1. Do you ever suffer from writer’s block and, if so, how do you overcome it?

    • Yes, I do. I think writers’ block is fear-based. Can I still write a good book? What if I can’t think of a plot? Maybe the book will get terrible reviews. Etc. I sit down, set a timer and make myself write. Sometimes it’s garbage, but usually I find a pearl or two nestling in the garbage and it gives me hope. You just have to write your way out of it.

  2. Laughed when I was reading the Christmas letter, it would be hilarious to send one out like that, would never have the courage though.

  3. kim amundsen says:

    Had a good laugh reading the christmas letter.

  4. Thanks for the very funny and offbeat Christmas letter. I can think of one person’s Christmas newsletter that I used to get & which I don’t miss that had the perfect life etc.

  5. funny letter
    bn100candg at hotmail dot com

  6. Heh, that was great. I’d love to receive something like it one Christmas. It would make life much more interesting as I tried to figure out which parts of it were actually true. 😀

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